Flight 637, you are clear for landing

Unless you count Jordan Potsic ripping the head off my cabbage patch kid in 4th grade as a crime, I have lived 32 years without being the victim of a crime.

I have never been mugged, raped, robbed, or even had someone hit me unprovoked. I thank GOD for this fact, as the truth is, I am a sissy ninny. I am scared of my own shadow. I put on a tough front, but the sad fact is, if the going ever got tough, this toughie would get going.

I was born and raised in an upper-middle class neighborhood, went to school with the grandchildren of former Presidents and graduated from the DARE program with honors. To say that I lived a sheltered, white bread life would be accurate.

So why am I so afraid of the dark and all things that go bump in the night? I have no idea. But, I am petrified of being victimized.

I hate being home alone at night and when Joey goes away on business, I am a mess. I make Lauren sleep with me, on the side of the bed closest to the door. My reasoning? If someone came in, I could throw her at them as a distraction while I run. Aren't I a great mom?

So, since I have had my own place, I have always had an alarm system. I am one of the suckers who plunks down $34.99 a month to have some pimple faced call center clerk in Boise watch over me while I sleep. When we go to sleep at night, this house is locked down like a virgin's knees. We have sensors on every door and window, glass break sensors, motion detectors and a Louisville Slugger under the bed.

We also like to light up our backyard like an airport. If YOU were a thug, would you break into the dark house down the street or the one that looks like a runway?

As you know, we moved. I had the alarm company installing a system before I placed a single object in the house. On my inspection of the outdoor lighting, I noticed the backyard had exactly ZERO lights. Not even a light off the porch. Realizing this was not acceptable, I called my handyman and commissioned him to install motion flood lights out back. He did the job in less than 3 hours, and I was on my way to landing 747's.

Once motion is detected, the lights kick on and stay on for 2 minutes. Although the sensor is wind and rain proof, it will pick up animals and such. Living on the lake, we have plenty of birds, raccoons and assorted members of the animal kingdom.

So, night four in the house and it's 11:15. Our doorbell rang and Joey answered it. It was our new next door neighbor. She told Joey that our light came on TWICE since 6P.M., and it was shining into her bedroom. Joey explained that it was motion sensitive and that it only stays on for two minutes. He apologized for the TERRIBLE breech of her comfort and closed the door.

The next morning as I was getting Lauren in the car for school, the neighbor walked over. She bluntly told me that the light came on THREE more times in the middle of the night and was very annoying. I asked her if it was staying on for a long time, and she said " Well, anything is TOO long. This is a very safe neighborhood, you don't NEED a light out back!"

Although my inner voice was telling me to choke her with my bare hands, skin her and wear her as a coat, I decided to be calm.

I explained that we felt safer having a light, and that I would check the timer and switch it to 45 seconds. I also offered to replace the bulbs with a lower wattage.

When Joey got home, he made the adjustments, replaced the 60 watt bulbs with 40's and turned the light downward, so it would shine on the ground and not on her house.

Fast forward -------->

10:15, our doorbell rings AGAIN. It's her, in her pajamas. The light came on again earlier and although it was better, it was still shining light in her room. I asked her if I could go to her house and see for myself, and Joey could make needed adjustments from the other side of the fence. She agreed and we went.

Joey went outside and turned on the light. As I was standing in her bedroom, I saw the blinding light she was talking about. There was a very faint yellow hue in ONE corner of her window! No brighter than a night light down the hall and around the corner.

I yelled out the window for Joey to bend the light down a smidge and voila! The light was gone. As I was leaving, she said " You know, this really is a safe neighborhood, no one ever gets broken into, you could save money on your electric bill by not having the light."

I thanked her for her advice, and said "Yeah, we will probably start turning it off next weekend, we are adopting Rottweiler TRIPLETS!!!"

I think she swallowed her tounge.

All I know is that the next morning, she was sweet as pie and said NOTHING about the light.

I hate people.