Resolutions

I can't believe it's been 5 months since I blogged. I am so ashamed. No wonder I feel like a bottle of seltzer dropped on the floor- ready to explode.

This blog is free therapy for me. Nothing feels as good as having a good case of digital diarrhea- it's second only to ripping a store manager a new hole from which to void.

So, here I am. Back at you in full, living color.

So much has happened since we last spoke, yet scarily enough so much has remained the same.

Joey is still an idiot. I have resolved this year to come to terms with this. Either I take him as he is, loving, bumbling moron who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, who just happens to be the most loving husband and father a girl could want- OR, I divorce him.

Truth be told, I have no desire to be single again. Certainly an overweight, controlling clean freak with two poorly behaved children is not a hot commodity on the singles scene. I have plenty of girlfriends who are far thinner, prettier and less annoying than I. And THEY are single. So, my chances of landing a man who knows how to find his way out of hole are about as good as Britney Spears' chance of being named Mother Of The Year.

I love my husband, I really truly do. He just drives me completely and utterly insane. He still makes me laugh though, most days with him, not at him. So, I think I'll keep him. Besides, he affords me a nice life. As Joe Walsh once said, I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.


We moved! Not to any place exotic like Las Vegas, Roatan or Trenton. We moved ALL the way across the street. An elderly couple on the street extended us the courtesy of dying within six months of each other. They also willed the house to their adult children who had no interest in the house. These grown children just wanted their money, and wanted it now. So, they listed the house at an embarrassingly low price. I saw the sign go up, was on the phone with the realtor in minutes, and two weeks later was signing on the dotted line. It was so quick that we didn't even pack- we just moved room by room. I LOVE this house, I am on the water side of the street now, so I truly feel like I have arrived. Living on the water and having a fridge with ice in the door- truly signs of a person of means.

Lauren is kicking ass and taking names in Kindergarten. She is reading on a second grade level and has is so smart. She was invited to attend a charter school in the area which is a GTDA.(Gifted and Talented Development Academy) It was an honor to get this invite, but we passed for now. We think it is important for her to remain at the neighborhood school for now. Maybe we will rethink the choice once she hits middle school, but for now, we feel she will benefit more from going to school with the neighbor kids. She is a total nerd, who reads for pleasure, so we figure if she's going to get her ass kicked, it may as well be from kids who live near us.

Anthony is Anthony. Cute as a button and as round as one too. We definitely have a first round draft pick in the making- the kid is built like a brick house. As long as he isn't gay, he should be quite the lady killer- think Casanova- not Ted Bundy.

Tigger. Our cat of nine years. He died. Suddenly, in the middle of the night. Lauren had the pleasure of finding him stiff as a board one morning right before Halloween. She was not so happy to say the least. I needed to double my medication for three weeks after it happened. I loved that striped loud mouth so much and will miss him forever. To Joey's dismay, I paid the vet almost $500 to do a necropsy to determine cause of death- it seems Tigger had a blood clot that traveled to his heart and killed him instantly. I had him cremated privately, and his ashes now rest in a wooden box on my mantle. Of course, I did not watch the cremation, so for all I know, I could be crying over the ashes of Fluffy Bubblestein the poodle from Boca Raton. When the day comes that my body gives up one me, directions are for Tigger and I to be scattered together at sea. I sure hope it IS tigger in that box, cause I really hate poodles.

Charlie. Most people say wait a few months to get a new animal, but Lauren was catatonic(pun intended) over the loss of Tigger. Our pediatrician recommended we get a new cat for Lauren to focus her attention on. Someone to take her mind off the pain she was feeling. So, we adopted Charlie. An adorable, purring nine week old kitten who was the perfect antidote to the Tigger Blues. Sweet as could be, and cute to boot.

He died. He had some horrible rare kitten disease. Lauren was devastated. I was mortified for my child, Joey was shocked that in the last month, we had spent close to $2000 on diagnosing and ultimately mourning two cats.

I was now convinced that we were going to be labeled cat murderers. I was certain the ASPCA would be on our door step shortly, ready to remove Bruno- our nine year old black cat from our possession.

I swore to all that was holy and true that we were done with cats. When Bruno dies, we will be animal free. A house with no more litter boxes, food bowls and vet trips. We can go away on the weekend without worrying that our cats are so thirsty that they are licking the toilets dry. NO MORE CATS!!!

Meet Simba. He is orange and white, 9 weeks old and currently taking up residence in my bathroom. He cannot be mainstreamed into the house yet because he has some horrible smelling diarrhea caused by a parasite he caught at the shelter. This parasite happens to be contagious to other cats, so Simba will live in my bathroom until next Friday- when his medication is finished.

He really is cute, and Lauren loves to cuddle and play with him. I just hope he doesn't die before Lauren leaves for college. If he does, I will be crafting a contraption of leads and pulleys to make it look like he is alive and kicking- think Weekend At Bernie's here- Lift paw, open mouth, play recorded sound of meow.

As for me, I am still me. Still foul mouthed, fat and poorly dressed. But, my stellar personality more than makes up for my flaws.

ER is new tonight, so I am somewhat happy today. My mom comes next week for a visit too!

Check back tomorrow for a story about a new neighbor, a light and a rottweiler.

Love,
Cici