Morbidly Sexy

After debating yesterday whether to just jump in the lake behind my house, today is looking up.

Joey had already scheduled the day off to take me to the hopsital, but I told him to just go to work.

Around 11am, I packed up the kids and took them to the YMCA down the street. They have a small 'Sprayground' where I can just sit in a foot of cool water and see the kids as they play.

For some reason, even though it was 184 degrees and sunny, there were very few people there. As I was sitting, I heard a male voice behind me. I turned and saw a DROP Dead gorgeous lifeguard standing there, smiling. We started talking about how stupid some parents are, letting their kids run around unsupervised. Before long, we were talking about music, movies and football. He was easily one of the best looking men I have seen in a LONG time. Tall, tan, gorgeous bulging muscles and the perfect face behind old school rainbow Oakley's.

Even though I was sitting,in a bathing suit, an angle that allows my fat rolls to cascade generously around my waistline, I felt sexy. A few times after our coversation stopped, he would start it again with a silly joke or opening line. I had quick daydreams of taking him into the locker room and teaching him a thing or two about loving a morbidly obese woman. But, I restrained.

As we were getting dried off and ready to leave, he yelled out" Have a great day! I'll be here all next week, hope to see you!" I waved and smiled.

I may be fat, but I am sexy. And he has NO idea what just talking to me did for my self-esteem today.

As I was walking to my car, I noticed a board with pictures of all the lifeguards, and short bios on them. Turns out my sexy suitor is named Jay, loves golf, 80's music and is really looking forward to starting his Senior year in August.




In High School.

Suddenly, I felt sexy AND creepy. He is 17! 17!!! I could be his MOM! God damn, they didn't make them like that when *I* was 17. And if they had, I certainly would have been the town whore.

Well, no matter. I quietly thanked myself for NOT trying to live out my locker room fantasy. I am quite certain Jay would have obliged, since I am MILF and all. But had I done it, I would be sitting in County lock-up right now, instead of writing this for your pleasure.

Fat is only part of who I am. Thanks, Jay. You made me feel like a woman again.

Joey will be home soon, and we have no plans. I think we will bring in chinese, even though for some reason, I am not hungry today at all. I have 4 loads of laundry to do before I go to sleep. Tomorrow we plan on getting up early and heading to Orlando for the day. The kids have been begging to go to Universal, we haven't been in a few months.
It's a big mountain to climb. I may need some help.

I guess that's why they call it the blue's

What a totally shitty day.

My Gyn called me at 10:15 and told me he decided NOT to do my surgery tomorrow. After re-reading my history and re-looking at the sonogram pics- he feels it's too risky to do. He is afraid of perforating my bowel, and or uterus. Can't say I BLAME him, considering my Uncle is one of the top med mal attorney's in the state. Of course, I have NO desire to be an OOPS in the operating room, but, I am disappointed.

I had myself all psyched up for the surgery and was REALLY excited at the prospect of throwing my tampons in the ocean next month on vacation.

The worst part of the conversation was when I asked him about just taking the damn thing out, a hysterectomy. He not so eloquently told me I was too fat to have elective surgery. Yep. Morbidly obese. Morbid means DEATH obese means fat. I am DEATHLY FAT. Talk about a kick in the ass.

Being fat is no fun, and I am well aware that I am. I wake up every morning knowing I am fat, stare at my rolls in mirrors, worry about fitting on amusement park rides and airplane seats. But, I guess it never hit me, until today that OTHER people can see I am fat too. I always thought that since I dress nice, have great hair and am funny and personable, that those traits blinded people. I guess not. My fat is there for the world to see.

Well, I am here to report to the world wide web, that I am not going to be fat for much longer. I haven't yet made up my mind if I am going to have Lap-Band, try Weight Watchers again, or just take my favorite Santoku knife to my own thighs. Whatever I choose, it has to be soon and it has to be forever.

I am scared. Scared of failure. Maybe even slightly scared to succeed. ( Jesus, I am a psychologist's wet dream!) I think mostly I am scared that my son, when he gets to be 9 or so, will be playing shortstop for his little league team, look up into the bleachers, see me sitting there waving and blowing kisses, and will wish he could dig a hole in the ground and crawl in, since his mom is the fat one.

I am sure most 9 year old boys are embarrassed by their mom's anyway, but I want Anthony to be embarrassed because I fart in public and call him Huggykissyloveyface, not because my ass is acting as SPF for the other mom's.

Fat no more.

I think.

Hump day

I remember when I was working in the real world, Wednesday was my favorite day. It was the downward spiral to the weekend and the office was a better place. Every Wednesday, my boss would order a platter from the local Jewish deli- corned beef, pastrami, rye bread, knish, and black and white cookies.

It's sad that I can relate almost everything in my life to food.

Thursday was always Sweet Tomatoes for lunch with the girls. And Friday, I would always meet Joey for lunch near his office.

Now being a stay at home mom, Wednesday means nothing special. Just another day. I don't GET a day off. Ever. Unless you count the annual 3 day trip I take with Ginger every year, I work everyday. Even on the weekends, when Joey is home, I am still working. Laundry, cleaning and wiping small asses never stops.

Joey is working a 1/2 day today and will be home in about 30 minutes. He is staying with our two and the twins while I go for my pre-op appointment. Oh yeah, I am having surgery on Friday. Nothing too major- just having my uterine lining burned off. I am SO done having children and my uterus is serving no purpose other than to annoy me for 7-9 days every month.
So, Friday morning at 7am, I check into the St. Joes Women's hospital to have my uterus rendered uninhabitable by embryos.

Of course, I am scared to death. I HATE surgery, especially the elective kind. Those are the one's that always make the middle pages of People magazine. ' She went in to have an elective nose job and woke up dead. But, at least she died with a beautiful nose.'

Once I get home from the pre-op, I am hoping to clean the house a bit and maybe head to Home Depot and buy some paint. I am officially fed up with looking at the sterile white walls in this house. It's time for color. I am going brave. I am painting the living room CHOCOLATE! I have always wanted walls that looked like they could be licked. I remember as a kid BEGGING my mom to get me the wallpaper from Willy Wonka- you know, the lickable stuff that tasted like Schnauzberry? I guess it was only in Hollywood, because I have never found it.

So, that's my day. Boring. And for that, I am thankful.

My internet friend, Holly, is laying in a hospital bed in North Carolina, recovering from surgery yesterday where they removed SOME of her cancer and put a drainage bag in her abdomen. She's 37 year old and her prognosis is unknown.

I'll take boring any ole time.

Summer Days...

So, I am going to TRY and blog daily. Instead of my usual- trying to be entertaining and witty- I am just going to tell you all about my days. Most days involve NOTHING- so be prepared to read about sitting on the couch.

Today... Took Simba to the vet. He was sneezing and had the runs last week. $218 of antibiotics later and he is right as rain. One life down, 8 to go!

I babysit for 12 month old twins now. Full time. 8-6 Monday-Friday. It's basically like I have 2 more of my own, except I get paid- CASH to watch these two. I cart them around with me like they are my own and actually ENJOY the attention. People are very nice and helpful when you have twins.

The twins got picked up at 2 today and I am going to work at 4:30. Oh yeah, I also got a VERY part-time job at the YMCA across the street. I work about 15 hours a MONTH. I am not in it for the money, because it pays a WHOPPING $7 an hour, I am in it for the FREE family membership. The membership is good at any YMCA, and considering the YMCA 10 miles from here has a WATERPARK- It's worth it to me. I can take my kids with me, so it's the perfect job for me.

Other than that, I did a load of laundry, vacuumed the kitchen AGAIN and cleaned the kitty litter.

What a life!

Anthony is 95% potty trained. The missing 5% is poop. He refuses to do it in the toilet! He wears a pull-up until about 11am- when he poops. Then, he puts on underwear. If he happens to have underwear on when nature calls- he yells for me to put a pull-up ON him, so he can shit in it. I don't get it?

Working until 8- then coming home to finish a load of laundry and watch BB10!