What a totally shitty day.
My Gyn called me at 10:15 and told me he decided NOT to do my surgery tomorrow. After re-reading my history and re-looking at the sonogram pics- he feels it's too risky to do. He is afraid of perforating my bowel, and or uterus. Can't say I BLAME him, considering my Uncle is one of the top med mal attorney's in the state. Of course, I have NO desire to be an OOPS in the operating room, but, I am disappointed.
I had myself all psyched up for the surgery and was REALLY excited at the prospect of throwing my tampons in the ocean next month on vacation.
The worst part of the conversation was when I asked him about just taking the damn thing out, a hysterectomy. He not so eloquently told me I was too fat to have elective surgery. Yep. Morbidly obese. Morbid means DEATH obese means fat. I am DEATHLY FAT. Talk about a kick in the ass.
Being fat is no fun, and I am well aware that I am. I wake up every morning knowing I am fat, stare at my rolls in mirrors, worry about fitting on amusement park rides and airplane seats. But, I guess it never hit me, until today that OTHER people can see I am fat too. I always thought that since I dress nice, have great hair and am funny and personable, that those traits blinded people. I guess not. My fat is there for the world to see.
Well, I am here to report to the world wide web, that I am not going to be fat for much longer. I haven't yet made up my mind if I am going to have Lap-Band, try Weight Watchers again, or just take my favorite Santoku knife to my own thighs. Whatever I choose, it has to be soon and it has to be forever.
I am scared. Scared of failure. Maybe even slightly scared to succeed. ( Jesus, I am a psychologist's wet dream!) I think mostly I am scared that my son, when he gets to be 9 or so, will be playing shortstop for his little league team, look up into the bleachers, see me sitting there waving and blowing kisses, and will wish he could dig a hole in the ground and crawl in, since his mom is the fat one.
I am sure most 9 year old boys are embarrassed by their mom's anyway, but I want Anthony to be embarrassed because I fart in public and call him Huggykissyloveyface, not because my ass is acting as SPF for the other mom's.
Fat no more.
I think.
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