And They're All Made Out Of Ticky Tacky And They All Look Just The Same

As I pen this entry, I am coming down from a high. I am sweaty, feel guilty and swear I will never do it again.

Actually, I am crashing hard. The shakes have already passed, but the nausea and ticks are starting. If I can just get through till morning, I should be fully detoxed.

I am talking about the marathon shopping excursion Sara and I went on yesterday. It was the best day of the year! Neighborhood garage sale day!

In order for you to understand WHY this is no normal garage sale, I must explain where I live.

Imagine, if you will, Wisteria Lane meets Agrestic meets a Norman Rockwell painting. Then add in the Stepford Wives. I live in THE place.

The homes START in the high 350's, and I dare you to find a car older than 2004 parked on any of the pressure washed driveways. We have deed restrictions that do not allow us to paint our houses, unless we use an approved color. We are given a list of annuals we are allowed to plant. (NO Marigold's until May!) Our children are all perfect, our teeth are all straight and white. Our husband's have high-pressure jobs, sleep with their assistants, and we wives all have secret drinking problems. It's awesome!!

I pretend to be one of them, because they will eat me if I don't. During the day, I drive the right car, send my kids to the finest private schools and flash my diamond and pearly whites. At night, I eat ice cream, smoke a pack of cigarettes while hiding in my garage and dream of shopping at The Goodwill.

So when the homeowners association decided that in order to maintain harmony, it was needed to only allow garage sales twice a year, I was really excited. The first Saturday in May and November are the days set aside for us elitists to act like common folk and buy junk from our neighbors. ( Gasp!)

Sara and I set out at Seven AM, armed with bankrolls and an empty SUV. For the next Five hours, we drove through the perfectly manicured neighborhood and acted like women on a mission.

The best part about buying stuff from rich folks is that they have good shit! And they sell it cheap. They are not looking to turn a profit or finance little Preston's education, they are looking to clean out their garages to make room for the new Cadillac they just bought.

I made some major scores, as did Sara.

I found a table FULL of Dr. Seuss books. Of course, they were in excellent, like new condition. Some had never even been opened or read. ( How can the kids READ? They are too busy with karate and tap class) How much for all? $5. 18 books in total. CHA-CHING!

At one house, I spotted a BRAND new set of Hooked on Phonics. $15 please. SOLD! They are already on eBay. I expect to fetch close to $100.

I found an AUTHENTIC Coach purse for $20, a boatload of Little People Toys, new patio chairs and a new in package crib sheet.

I think the find of the day was Rubbermaid FULL and I mean FULL of Mr. Potato Head pieces. There are easily over 500 pieces, 4 full sized potatoes, and three babies. $5! My children can lose pieces for the rest of their lives and we'll never run out!

I also scored two BOXES of Huggies. Never opened and fresh. I usually pay over $20 for each box. How about $8 for the two? Bag em up!

When we got back to my house, Sara and I emptied the SUV into my living room and went through our loot like kids on Halloween. The excitement was just too much!

Do I hate living here in 'Perfect'? Some days.

I love the schools, the shopping, and the fact that I get to have an official " I LOVE living in Perfect!" license plate frame on my car.

I hate the fake women, bratty kids, homeowner's association, and the fact that I got fined $50 last summer for not mowing my lawn on a Saturday.

But, as The Eagle's once sang, 'Every form of refuge has its price.'

At least my husband isn't sleeping with his assistant. She's 63, and would rip his willy off if he ever showed it to her.

Cici