Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

NAME:_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________
Do you have TWO parents? _______ yes? _______ no?
Number of years parents married:_________________________________________
Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________
A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?(supply phone numbers)____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________


ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.
"If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________
"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
"A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________

"The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
"When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to above begins s with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS OR DRIPPING WATER TORTURE.
____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all.