Filling In The Pieces

Most of you reading this know me in real life. You KNOW why I am like I am. For those of you unlucky enough to say you KNOW me, allow me to introduce reason number ONE for my self-indulgent, self-centered, egotistical beautiful self. It's called genetics.

I just got off the phone with my mom. My parents returned from a 10 day Alaskan cruise yesterday. Of course, my mother is now sick. She complained of fever, chills, flu-like symptoms and nausea. I have diagnosed her-via telephone-with the Norwalk virus. When discussing her prognosis and plan of care, she mentioned how she contracted this horrible illness.

"It was that bitch behind me at Bingo!" She declared. "She was coughing up a lung! Every time she went into a coughing fit, I would turn around and glare at her like 'HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO!.'"

Damn. I love this woman.

She gave me life, she gave me my stunning good looks and knock-out figure. And she gave me the belief that I am more important than ANYONE else.

I asked my mom if she had pondered the fact that she flew on TWO airplanes, which are basically pressurized tubes of germs; been on TWO trains, and then a SHIP FULL of people. I also reminded her that cruise ships are NOTORIOUS for giving people illness.

"Well, yes, but...it was that damn lady. Cough Cough, Sneeze! Why did she have to sit BEHIND people? If she REALLY had to play Bingo!, she could have sat in a corner!"

THIS is why I am like I am. We ARE better than everyone else. If you are sick, cancel your trip, or if you are selfish enough to still come, then at least stay in your cabin. If you MUST exit your cabin, PLEASE sit in the corner. WE do not want YOUR germs.

It's a good thing I wasn't there. While Ms. Germs thought she was getting an evil eye from my mother, she would have gotten more than a 'HEEELLLLLLLLOOOOO' from me. I would have stood up, declared her unfit for travel and demanded her immediate removal from the ship. This would have been followed up by me demanding an entire DE-lousing of the vessel, a full refund of my trip AND a free cruise anywhere in the world for me and three friends. Again, those that KNOW me can attest to the fact that my demands would have been met.

Back in the day, my mother was quite the pot stirrer as well. She taught me the best she could, molded me into a perfect demanding woman, and then bailed on me. She hit menopause. Suddenly, she was a little less demanding, and a little kinder. Without the hormonal imbalance pulsing through her veins, she actually engaged her brain before opening her mouth.

What a sell out.

Lauren likes to play dress-up and be a princess. The other day she said to me, "Mommy, I am the princess, and you are the queen." I gently reminded her.."No, dear,GRANDMA is the queen, I am merely an heir to the throne."