Cha Cha Cha Charmin

Ya know, there are some things in life that should be left alone. New and/or improved is not always better. The Coca-Cola Corporation learned this lesson the hard way back in the eighties when they decided to change the recipe for Coke. Public outcry, mob mentality, and complete global meltdown ensued. So, they changed it BACK to the OLD recipe. Why? Because Americans don't like to be messed with.

So, when I read THIS ARTICLE I was angered, but not shocked.

Go ahead, click the link. Read the article. I'll wait.



Damn! You are lazy! Ok, since I KNOW you didn't read it- here are the Cliff's notes.

There is a new invention! An automatic toilet paper dispenser. Much like the paper towel dispensers that are popping up in restrooms around the nation, a simple wave of your hand will push forth your allotted amount of toilet tissue. Five squares was determined to be adequate. FIVE SQUARES?

FIVE?

Did she just say FIVE?

Yes, she did. Five.

Ok. I admit it. Here and now, to the world at large. I am an over-wiper. Call me crazy, call me OCD. I like my butt to be clean. Porn scene clean. And I surely know from over 30 years of experience that I cannot achieve that zestfully clean feeling with only five squares.

MAYBE five squares would cut it after a small tinkle following a day of dehydration. But a Sunday morning after a night drinking and eating at Chili Carmen's Casa? Five would be adequate if you multiplied it by 100.

Surely a man concocted this facacta contraption. Under the guise of saving the environment and creating less waste. Let's face facts here- it is a way to save TIME and energy. Two things most men will gladly take more of.

I think somewhere in the Midwest, a man named Skeeter was sick of his wife complaining that she had to soak his BVD's in bleach to remove the tire tracks he left behind.

Skeeter devised this auto toilet paper dispenser as an EXCUSE. Now when his wife, Amber complains, he can say "Hey! I was only given five squares at the piggly wiggly crapper! Now get me another beer, bitch!"

Jesus F. Do NOT mess with MY toilet paper. I use Charmin Ultra. Nothing less will do. If I am unable to get to my home base in enough time, I WILL resort to using what is provided me, but you better believe that I will be wrapping my hand like a glove before proceeding with the business at hand. (Pun intended)

Interestingly enough, this is NOT the first time someone has tried to dictate to me how much toilet tissue I could use.

Year ago, I was working at very prestigious law firm in a multi-BILLION dollar high rise downtown. The Senior Partner was wealthy beyond his wildest dreams and married to the cheapest, most miserable woman I have ever known. This woman was a trophy wife if ever there was one, and had barely squeaked out a high school diploma when she was grabbed up by the man twenty years her senior.

To show her that she was more than a gorgeous body, he gave her the title of office manager. She was the laughing stock of the entire office, as she flitted around in her designer shoes and tried to tell room fulls of young associates to remember to leave their pens on the conference table when the meeting adjourned.

Well, one day, a MEMO came across our desks. As luck would have it, I am a pack rat, and still have that memo. Here it is:

To: All Partners,Associates,and Staff
From: CheapAss Bitch
Re: Toilet Tissue Usage

It has come to my attention that we are using an excessive amount of toilet tissue. XXX and I just purchased an 84 pack at Costco last month and it is almost gone already. Please be more aware of the amount of tissue you use and help us conserve costs and waste.

Thanks!
CrazyAssBitch


OH. MY. GOD. I almost swallowed my tongue when I read that. I remember turning to the woman I shared an office with and saying "Is this a JOKE??"

It wasn't. She was SERIOUS.

Now, I have been known to waste things. I will take more than I know I can eat at the buffet. I will grab a few extra napkins at McDonald's and I am the first to openly admit that I steal soap and shampoo from the attendant carts in hotels.

But toilet paper? That is something I do not use in excess of my current need. I don't achieve cleanliness and then flush gobs of paper down for sport. Nor do I stuff it in my purse to take home as a souvenir.

Well, as luck would would have it, my local newspaper had an editorial section. SOMEONE wrote a letter to said section and explained how this richer than God woman was rationing toilet paper to her firm employees. A copy of the memo was included with the letter. The newspaper PRINTED the letter, and the memo, with all identifying information blacked out. That certain someone ALSO let herself in to the office early the morning of the article and put a copy on the chair of every person in the office. Toilet paper usuage at the firm saw quite the increase that month. Someone even invented a game. It was called spin and win. An occupant of the restroom would spin the roll of toilet paper until the first square was touching the water in the bowl and then flush. The occupant would then count how long the roll unraveled before breaking off. My high score was 5 seconds; which was beat by many.

On my last day of employement with the firm, I sent an email to the whole staff. I informed them that oxygen consumption was now being monitored and to please conserve. And then, in a move that I still envy MYSELF for doing, I sent an email to the boss' wife letting her know that we noticed she had used her daily allottment of oxygen, and could she please hold her breath for the rest of the day.

What was she gonna do? FIRE ME?

Rumour has it, to this day, CheapAssBitch is still known as the Quilted Northern Nazi.