Disnerds

Naked fat girl + No A/C + Leather Couch = Not a pretty sight. I didn't even KNOW it was possible for the backs of my knees to sweat! Lesson learned.

So there we sat last night, sticking to the leather couch, watching Macy's attempt to blow up Manhattan. Joey was oohing and aahing over every explosion. I was less amazed. In fact, fireworks are downright BORING to me. Joey could not understand this, fireworks are awesome, and to the average person, something they see once a year.

As usual, I am not average. I spent two summers after college working at the happiest place on earth- Disney World.

It truly was the best job I have ever and will ever have. It was fun, exciting, offered free admission for me and my family and best of all- having Disney on your resume is akin to having 'Magna Cum Laude- Harvard'- a deal closer if ever there was one.

Disney is notorious for being extremely picky in who they hire. And to be cast in a 'role' where one actually SPEAKS to the public? This high honor is only granted to those of us graced with physical beauty and top notch personalities! Luckly, I was blessed with both- so was cast as a tour guide for VIP's.

This job insisted I deliver 'smiles for miles' or as I put it- be terminally happy. I could only point with TWO fingers, never one. One finger pointed in any direction could lead someone to believe I was pointing at THEM.

In addition to my daily tours and providing guests with magical experiences they would never forget, one of my duties was 'Fireworks Fanatic!' Once night fell upon the world, I would act as a cheerleader to tired, broke families. I would run around and get them excited to watch us light up the skies. I handed stickers to children, flirted with old men, broke out into song over seeing a Minnie Mouse hat and acted like a first class looney toon.

I would estimate I have seen over 300 fireworks displays, and they lost their novelty somewhere in the mid 200's. I have watched parents navigating over sized strollers through a sea of people while trying to exit the park in order to stop their screaming children from going into cardiac arrest over the noise. I have seen a tree set on a fire from a wayward flame, watched in horror as Tinkerbell's zip line snapped and she fell 25 feet to the safety net below her.

I have seen parents so overcome with misery on the amount of money they have spent, that I have watched GROWN men in Mickey ears crying.

Happiest place on earth...my ass.

To cure my terminal happiness, I devised new and exciting ways to be the bitch I am at heart. While I could not openly be rude, lest I be hauled of to mouse jail and forced to listen to the plaster dolls sing 'It's a small world' for eternity; I COULD be a smart-ass, as most people check their brains at the airport before deplaning at Orlando Int'l Airport.

I kept a journal of my favorite Disney smart-ass remarks. Here, I will share some of them with you.

Guest : "Excuse me, what time is the three O'clock parade?"
Me: "4:15"

Guest: "Is there a midget inside of that costume?" ( Pointing to Stitch from Lilo and Stitch)
Me: " No, sir, that's a real alien!"

Guest: "Is there anywhere to eat here?"
Me: " No, I'm sorry, we only serve beverages"

Guest: " Are the bullets real on the Pirates ride?"
Me: "Some days yes, some days, no, depends on the mood of the engineers."

Guest: "Are the animals on the jungle ride real?"
Me: " They only come to life at night when we are all gone."

Guest: "Do you work here?"
Me: "Do you really think I would wear ORANGE pants if I wasn't PAID to?"

Guest: " Is Ariel a real person?" (Asked after watching a live stage show of The Little Mermaid)
Me: " Nope, she's an actual mermaid!"

Guest: "How many people are here today?"
Me: "I lost count when you started talking to me! Now I have to start over!"

And the REASON I hate FIREWORKS?????

Guest: "Where can I see the fireworks?"
Me: Silence. Silence. Slowly roll eyes toward sky and lift pointer finger up.

Dumb Disnerds.